time flies and things change

Exactly 23 months ago today, I came home to an email that at the time I thought was destroying my life and all my well laid plans. In that email, by (now ex)fiance broke off our engagement. This was at the same time that I was being forced out of my job teaching in Thomasville which I both loved and hated and was preparing to move back in with my parents in Hickory for a few months until Ben and I were married in December. At the time, I thought that email was the worst thing that could have happened to me. It in fact, made me physically sick. I was being left by the person who I had invested so much time, energy, and emotion into with very little real explanation. 23 months later, there is still little explanation as to why except depression, confusion, and selfishness. However, the past 23 months have made me realize that being left through an email is perhaps one of the best things that could have happened to me.

23 months later, I now am in grad school, currently with a 4.0 GPA in a library science program. I have purchased a house. I have two dogs whom I adore. I have found a great group of friends in Hickory, who I never would have met if I had not moved back. I am happier at this point in my life than I have been in a very long time. In fact, happier than I have been 4 or 5 years. Yes, I had to do a lot of reinvent and rediscover myself because I had lost sight of myself during my relationship with Ben. It was well worth it though.

Ben leaving me in an email has made me realize that I deserve much better. I don't deserve someone who will allow me to make them the center of my world or who will do the same. I need someone who will allow me to be myself, allow me to experiment, make mistakes, and be silly or serious when I want to be. Someone who will not demand that I try to be a good role model as long as I am being myself. I deserve someone who will not grumble if I decide to cook just vegetables for supper and will understand that it is hard for me to accept compliments on cooking. I deserve someone who will accept my insecurities and when I follow my tendency to overload myself will essentially slap some sense into me and make me take something off myself. I deserve someone who will not take advantage of the fact that I strive to make everyone around me happy, but will instead support me in it and help me to realize when it's not in my power to make everyone happy. I deserve someone who will not scare me when he gets angry.

Amazing the change that 23 months has wrought. Looking forward to seeing what changes the next 23 will bring. Hopefully, I will be working in a library somewhere doing reference. My dogs will be well. I will have a better relationship with family. I will continue to make improvements to the house and continue to make new friends in Hickory while re-establishing and ties with old ones. I will become more active in my church. Continue weaving, hopefully eventually it becoming more than just a hobby. These are my goals for the next 23 months....let's see where they take me.

fun seeming jobs

1. water gun tester
2. paint color namer -
3. plant namer - toe tickler clover
4. perfume scent maker
5. bubble wrap quality tester- pop, pop, pop....too weak
6. door bell ring designer- wouldn't it be fun to make horribly annoying ones
7. bubble bath tester- just need some wine and candles to make it almost heaven

confessions....or things I wouldn't admit to most people

1. When I was little, I totally ate wall paste. It tasted horrible- a mixture of mud and cardboard. In my defense, it was in a Cool Whip carton on the counter.

2. At one point, I refused to drink water. I came to the realization that it was dinosaur pee at some point and the thought thoroughly disgusted me. While I do drink water now, I every now and again think about this and am repulsed that I am drinking dino pee.

3. On the topic of pee, I have willingly peed outside several times, not all were of necessity.

4. I find belly buttons rather fascinating. So many different shapes and sizes. Side note- why are some "innies" and others "outies"...must try to research.

5. I read an entire set of encyclopedias over the summer one year in elementary school. Wish I had the time to do it again now that I am an adult.

6. I really want to go and see a burlesque show and roller derby. I don't think I can find either any place close to Hickory though. If anyone has suggestions, please pass them on.

7. I often wish that I some of the books I read could come to life and that I could be an observer of the characters.

8. I worry when I sometimes go for days with eating very little (for the simple fact I am not hungry or am extremely busy) that I am either
a) a closet anorexic
b) have a terrible disease
c) eating in my sleep

Seems like enough for now, such is the product of a sleepy brain, but a not sleepy body.