the time has come

Or so the walrus said to talk of many things. Guess that's what I will be doing soon. The depression that I have battled on and off for years has come back recently, so I have scheduled myself an appointment for some counseling. Considering the past year and a half of my life, I am surprised that I did not get to this point sooner. I was at this point just over a year ago, but managed to eventually pull myself out with the support of several friends. (Thank you all) Over the past month or so though, I have felt myself slipping and sliding back into that deep, dark hole. Doesn't help that every time I get excited about the possibility of my life gaining some resemblance of what it "should be" right now that things come crashing down in a glorious display of sparks and flames which then ignite a series of smaller (and usually quite easily managed)setbacks and annoyances. I have reached the point now that even something quite trivial can set me to crying...and it's happening more frequently. So, counseling is scheduled for next Tuesday. I just hope that the expense will be worth it and will help to prevent me from going back on meds to manage it. Lord knows, I got issues...many stemming from the last year and a half, but some from much farther back. Hope that talking it out will help and that I can learn some new techniques for managing things other than my current version of giving myself almost no free time so that I keep busy and don't think about things.

born in the wrong time?

This sounds completely bizarre (I love that word btw), but I'm coming more and more to believe that in some ways, I am not truly a part of my generation. Don't get me wrong, I love that I have been born at a time where medical technology is as advanced as it is, where I can download a book instantly, and I have (almost) equal rights as a woman. I can't help but feel though that I do not exactly fit in with my peers or even sometimes with the current modes of thinking.


I have always found that many of my closest friends are older than me by 5, 10, even 20 years. I find many of my peers to be immature and annoying. The few friends that I have that are close to my age tend to be an eclectic, but wonderful group. Many of these even are at least a year older than me.

Also, my body type doesn't exactly fit in with how clothes are currently made. First of all, I am short. I have pretty small boobs. Most tops and dresses now expect that you be a solid B or C cup, not the A that I am. As if to laugh at this, I have broad hips and a large butt and thighs. Makes for a bit of an awkward combination sometimes. It's inordinately difficult to find things that fit, but that I like as well. Personal style wise, I tend to like things out of the 30s, 40s, 50s mostly. These are not always easy to find.

Some of my ideas really do not mesh with modern thinking. Unlike most young people in this day and age, I don't want to have sex early on in a relationship. It is something that is hugely important to me and that I don't want to go about willy nilly. Research has shown that sex changes your brain in subtle ways. I don't want my brain changed for just anyone. It has to be someone special....and lasting.

The empahsis of society on the consumer culture bothers me to a great degree. It is something that I am trying to break away from as much as I can. I limit what I buy and whenever possible, try to support local and smaller companies. If I can't do that, then I try to support companies who try to make a positive difference. Tied in with this, I am a huge supporter of the local foods and slow food movement.

favorite things

These are some of my favorite things in random order

1. thunderstorms
2. puns
3. the smell of spray starch
4. hot chocolate
5. sparkles
6. hikes in the mountains
7. Normie (no way he can be left off the list, love that doggie)
8. Fresh summer tomatoes
9. Indian food (which is far too hard to come by at the moment)
10. fuzzy socks
11. warm sweaters
12. snow
13. Frank Sinatra
14. my neck being kissed
15. stickers
16. twirly dresses (ones that you can spin in)
17. my (almost) worn out Bass sandals
18. how my feet feel when I take off high heels I've worn several hours
19. Orxy and Crake (wonderful book)
20. how I feel after a sneeze
21. corisone cream from the fridge (lots of skin allergies)
22. pear cider
23. Tom Hanks (love the variety of roles he's played, can't think of a bad movie of his)
24. breakfast food
25. fireplaces
26. old fashioned names (like Amelia, Ruby, Eugene, Elliott- ones out of the 20s and 30s especially)
27. Depression glass
28. waking up next to someone
29. the feeling of freshly shaved and lotioned legs
30. rain on a tin roof

snuggle buddy

I've had this theory for a while, but not shared it with many people. I believe that everyone who is single needs to have a snuggle buddy. A snuggle buddy is exactly what it says- someone you snuggle with. This is a completely platonic relationship (at least initially as a snuggle buddy can become more). The whole point of a snuggle buddy is to have close physical contact with someone. Research has shown that close physical contact improves health, both mentally and physically. It's a win-win situation. When you become no longer single, your snuggle buddy then becomes snuggle buddies with your significant other's previous snuggle buddy. Essentially, you switch places.

characteristics- take 2

As if the first list weren't exhaustive enough, here are some additions.

1. Dimples. These are not a requirement per say, but a definite bonus. Dimples are highly desirable.

2. Not a gamer. I don't mind if he plays video games some. Just don't want it to be too much of a habit.

3. Must like board games. I like board games. Especially smart games like Scrabble, Risk, and Fact or Crap. Must like similar games and want to play with friends.

4. Can't mind that I am a feminist. I used to not be until I took a few courses in college. Then, I realized that women are still put down by society. While racism is no longer socially acceptable, sexism is. I will fight it all I can.

5. Must enjoy reading. I am an MLS student after all and am fairly well read.

6. Must smell good. This should go without saying. Scent is very powerful for me though and can be quite a turn on.

7. Must be warm. Physically warm. I get cold easily. Especially my feet. I need a heater. :-)

8. Must not be a cheater. I can't abide by a cheater. Cheaters need not apply. This will automatically exclude you from being a potential partner.

9. mustn't be very jealous. I have several very close guy friends. They are just friends, nothing else. He has to understand this and that I may want to hang out with them sometimes without him.

10. my weight must not be an issue for him. I'm not skinny, but I'm not fat either. Trying to lose weight with variable success. obesity tends to be a problem in my family, so I know it's something to be careful of.

characteristics of the perfect mate

Spent a lot of time recently thinking on the characteristics of my perfect mate. Starting to wonder if he really is out there somewhere. Seems I am quite particular in what I want. Here is the list-

1. Must be somewhere around me in intelligence. Not to be conceited, but I am fairly smart. He must be too. End of story, no negotiating.

2. Must be able to make me laugh. Not that easy actually. I have a fairly dry sense of humor. I enjoy puns. It will take someone who is clever, hence the importance of #1.

3. Must be at least average looking. He has to be physically attractive to me as well as mentally.

4. Must be handy. He has to know how to do things around the house. Not just things like change a light bulb (anyone can do that). More like install a new fan or fix a broken door knob. Practical things. Knowing how to do car stuff is a bonus.

5. Must like the outdoors. While I am a homebody, I do like to be outside. I like to go hiking and would like to get back into biking. Would like to go camping some too.

6. Must like history. History is one of my passions. It would be great to talk history with him.

7. Must be well read. Books are another passion of mine. I love to read and to talk about what I have read. Doesn't matter if we even like the same kind of books. Just matters that he reads.

8. Must be fairly optimistic. I am a bit of a pessimist. I need someone to counter balance that trait in me.

9. Must manage money well. Nothing drives me crazier hardly that people who spend beyond their means. I like to buy new things as much as the next person, but want to make sure that I have my needs taken care of first and have some set aside in savings. Wants come last.

10. Must have good hair. I like to play with hair, especially when tired or really relaxed. Wavy or curly is nice, but not required.

11. Must be able to cook a decent meal. I love to cook, but don't always feel up to the task. I also love good food. Don't want to be eating Chef Boyardee unless I have to.

12. Must be short-ish. At not quite 5 feet tall height poses an issue. Don't want to look completely unbalanced as a couple. If all other qualities are met, height can be negotiated.

13. Must like dogs. I have a Maltese, whom I adore. No way I'd get rid of him. Ever. He has to put up with Norman.

14. Must enjoy movies of all types. I like movies. Not any one time, but movies in general. There are very few that I don't enjoy. Some I enjoy though are rather unique- 7th Seal, Suspiria, and Heaven Can Wait to give some examples.

15. Must be okay with living in Western NC. My entire family lives in Hickory. I can practically walk to everyone's house. It would be hard to give that up. Also, I love the mountains and want to be close. So Western NC is where I will stay.

16. Must be willing to eat local and organic as much as financially possible. After reading Animal, Vegetable, Miracle, I have changed how I see food. As much as possible, I will not support big agriculture.

17. Must be fairly green. I would like to eventually work to be off the grid.

18. Must be willing to try new things. Initially, I seem very vanilla. In some ways I am. On occasion, I like to mix things up some. Guess I could be something like vanilla with candy bar chunks or cookies and cream.

19. Must have a passion that he can teach me about. Don't care too much what it is. I want him to be able to teach me something, whether it is about computers, games, art, or any other topic.

20. Must not have kids. I like kids. At some point I want to have my own. At the age I am now, kids would just be baggage.

21. Must want to have kids. Preferably 2. Don't want an odd number. Just don't want them right now.

22. Must be politically a moderate or liberal. If he is very open minded, I could handle someone conservative but find that many conservatives are a bit dogmatic and closed minded. I do enjoy the occasional political discussion, so ideally political beliefs would not all be the same.

23. Must have some type of faith. Doesn't necessarily have to be Christian. Would prefer something that is at least compatible with Christianity. Essentially has to be at the very least agnostic. I don't understand how people can believe that there is not some greater power in the universe. That said, he also can't be too zealous in that faith. It's great to have religion, but some people take it a bit too far and are pushy about it. Don't want that.

24. Has to have at least a bachelors degree. Ties in with the intelligence mentioned above.


25. Must have a job. I know, it's hard to get one right now if you don't have one. Still, very important to me that he has one. Doesn't have to be anything spectacular, but something at least respectable. Like working in a book store or as a paralegal or selling camera equipment.

Seems to be a fairly good start to the list. More may be added later.